It's been quite a week and not for any "good" reasons. I've had a particularly difficult time over the past few days to stay on top of my work, remain motivated and keep myself physically and mentally health. Now as always I don't mention this for any amount of sympathy, but to let the odd student who may stumble across my posts that these feelings are quite normal for a PhD student (or at least I've convinced myself they are).
At first glance, a PhD is much like a job. There's an office, desk and computer; there's a supervisor and colleagues; a tearoom (lunch room to those from North America). But a key difference between a PhD and a typical work experience is that you (as the student) are motivating your work. That seems slightly mad, like letting a 6 year old choose their diet and clothes (and we can all imagine how that would turn out). In pursuit of a doctoral degree we soak up knowledge (mostly self taught), synthesis this information and carry out our own research. After studying and working for 3 years straight you know you should be building towards a great finish, a culmination of your efforts, a masterpiece worthy of praise, but then you remember that you came up with all your "bright" ideas and suddenly you wonder if your contributions have any value. This is the crisis that stuck me this week and let me say it's a force powerful enough to take the wind from your sails. How exactly am I suppose to continue in the lab if I question the very foundation of my work?
Sadly I feel there is nothing on offer that can remove these feelings. It's the burden of a student. However, I've found that with proper supervisor, regardless if you know it or not, you have been gently kept on a safe path. Also, while it's important not to become to proud or self absorbed with your past, a look back over the past couple years can be very enlightening... was your abstract accepted for a talk at a conference, did you have a paper accepted by a journal, do others seek you out for collaboration, and the list goes on. Whatever you've accomplished over the tenure of your studies, these suggest your work is meaningful and not in vane.
Practically thoughts of doubt can not only shatter your confidence, but they disrupt your entire workflow. "How can I concentrate on reading this article when my work is garbage?" "Why am I having the workshop build another piece of hardware, when my plans are rubbish?" And the list goes on. Unfortunately, I have to admit that this week I was shattered by a lack of confidence. In hind sight, what little progress I did make was due to planning beforehand. As I've mentioned in numerous previous posts, make lists. Prioritise your work. Know what you're doing so that when everything falls apart you just have to follow your own instructions.
Unfortunately progress was minimal this week, but I've learned a lot about myself and the struggles of a PhD. In a way I am happy to have these problems now and learn from them so that when it really comes to crunch time (as my deadline approaches), I'll be that much more prepared.
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